Darth_Cthulhu: переводы

→ARTICLE 44
A Bro never applies sunscreen to another Bro.

→COROLLARY: A Bro with a coat of fur on his back keeps that thing covered at all times, even at a resort pool or the beach. Sorry, Bro.

→If I spoke or read this particular language, perhaps I could explain my perspective more clearly, but I guess you'll just have to take the scary-looking tattoo artist's word for it. I know I did."

→• A chick shall not sleep with another chick's ex-boyfriend, unless she does.
• A chick never pays for anything. Ever.
• If two chicks get into a fight, they shall make catty remarks and pretend to ignore each other, rather than simply stripping down and wrestling it out.
• If a chick hears a chick-empowerment song like "I Will Survive," she shall stop whatever she's doing, grab another chick's hand, and shriek the lyrics at the top of her lungs.
• A chick may get a dog as a pet, but only if it fits in her mailbox. If two chicks are wearing the same outfit, each retains the right to accidentally spill a drink on the other.
• A chick shall not operate a motor vehicle in a safe manner.
• A chick has a free pass to slut it up on Halloween.

→Yes, I'm afraid so. One morning, just before slipping out the door while my hostess was in the shower, I happened upon a copy of the rumored tome. I didn't have time to flip much past the pink bedazzled cover, but here are some of the phrases I remember seeing on the frilly pages within:

→Try to fill in your own Scream Pyramid. If you're not sure where you fit, you can always trick a Bro-worker into screaming at someone and then see where the pieces fall. That's how I figured out I was above the VP of Synergy.

→"Maybe try a side salad instead"
"Cute! You're growing a mustache, too!"
"She looks like a younger you."
"I will finance a boob job"
"Sorry I threw out your shoes."
"Your sister let me do that"

→A Bro will drop whatever he's doing and rush to help his Bro dump a chick.

It's normal for a Bro to get confused and disoriented when dump-ing a chick. For some reason he's worried she'll become agitated or even violent after he calmly explains his desire to have sex with her friends. This is when a Bro most needs his Bro to remind him that there are plenty of chicks in the ocean, and that a breakup need not be hazardous, stressful, or even time-consuming.

→Should a Bro lose a body part due to an accident or illness, his fellow Bros will not make lame jokes such as "Gimme three!" or "Wow, quitting your job like that really took a lot of ball." It's still a high five and that Bro still has a lot of balls... metaphorically speaking, of course.

→SYMPATHY
To: Bro
From: Bro
Subject: Dude
Sorry, Bro.

→There are no sentiments between Bros that cannot be articulated through the convenience and emotional distance of electronic mail. The following are a few emails for any Brocassion that succinctly get the message across without costing you the trouble and expense of having to find and then send an actual greeting card.