Я ненавижу тебя! / I hate you: Третья глава

For a whole month, Masha tried to cope with herself again, she remembered all the methods of Dr. Pavlovsky, who was the only one who could help her recover and love herself again and stop being afraid of people. But too many years had passed, and Masha could barely remember anything.

zulize 15.05.21 в 10:01

Sergey noticed her strange behavior immediately, on the same day. But she couldn't tell him anything. She told him a lot of things, or rather everything that had happened in her life since they began to live together, but she kept her childhood under lock and key, getting off with only general phrases when Sergei asked her about the past. And not even because she was shy, but because she herself did not want to remember what had happened.

zulize 15.05.21 в 10:02

It was too dangerous for her to go back there again. It's too hard to think about what happened. Go through that fear and shame again? No, she couldn't. Therefore, she could not tell Seryozha anything either. Although the doctor, with whom she still very rarely met at that time, strongly advised her to do this. But she couldn't... It was stronger than her...

zulize 15.05.21 в 10:03

"Masha, sometimes bad things happen in life, and you were able to overcome a lot, but if you can tell your childhood fears to a loved and loving person, believe me, it will become even easier for you," she recalled the doctor's words when she brought him an invitation to the wedding.
But she never took his advice. So this time, she did not want to tell her husband again about what had once happened, and especially since she had once again met with someone who, in passing, almost destroyed her as a person.

zulize 15.05.21 в 10:03

Masha was ready to lie, for the first time in ten years of their joint life with Sergey - she refused and said that the workload is heavy at work, deadlines are burning ... there are too many clients. Anything to avoid his questions.
"Masha, you have always been like this, and the deadlines and clients and difficulties... But you've never been so..."
"Which one?" Masha shuddered nervously and pulled away from her husband when they were lying in bed after sex.
"Cold"..

zulize 15.05.21 в 10:07

"It's tiredness, just tiredness, I told you I didn't want to, but you didn't listen to me... I'm sorry," she whispered, turning on her side and pulling the sheet up over her head.
It was hot outside, almost forty degrees, the house was stuffy, and she was cold. And she wouldn't even let Sergei turn on the air conditioner.
"Why don't you take a little vacation?" Why did you get so many orders? After all, everything is not so bad for us, I earn normally now, we pay for the mortgage and loan on time, Lenochka is dressed and shod. There are food items in the refrigerator... Give some of the work to someone else? I doubt anyone would want to miss out on the benefits...

zulize 15.05.21 в 10:15

- No, nonsense, there is never much money, - she tried to justify herself, - now there are orders, and tomorrow they will not be, then I will rest...
Sergey put his arm around her from behind and pulled her to him.
- Masha ...
- Let's not be Seryozha... - she tried to change the subject to distract him, - you finished... Let's go to sleep.
She even yawned for emphasis.
But for Sergei, this was clearly not an argument.

zulize 15.05.21 в 10:16

"But you're not.".. his breath was hot, and he began to kiss the back of her neck.
And for the first time in ten years, Masha realized that she didn't feel the excitement that always gripped her when Sergei started to caress her neck like that. It was her most sensitive spot. But right now, she felt almost nothing but a growing irritation.
"Oh, my God... Had her world been shaken again?... Is it really just one meeting and it falls apart again?" Maria thought with horror, but with the same fury she rejected these feelings and, turning to her husband, seized the initiative with kisses.

zulize 15.05.21 в 10:17

She needs to get her life back, and she won't even think about giving in to despair...
But things didn't work out the way Masha wanted them to... Sex with her husband did not bring anything for her, she was never able to relax and get excited and for the first time in her life imitated an orgasm. Just so that Sergey would stop worrying and trying to find out what was wrong with her...
She loved him, loved him very much, but even in front of him she could not open up... It hurts too much...

zulize 15.05.21 в 10:18

"For the first time, she lied that the day had passed as usual, and for the first time, she faked an orgasm," Masha realized bitterly.
She tried to sleep lying in the arms of her long-asleep husband. But as soon as she closed her eyes, the past that she had so diligently denied for many years, caught up with her in a dream.
It was the first of September. With huge white bows the size of her head, a bouquet of flowers, and a dress uniform, she stood among the same first-graders as her.

zulize 15.05.21 в 10:19

They were standing on the street in the courtyard of their school, a large five-story building in which Maria would spend ten years of her life.
The headmaster was talking on the wooden stage that had been built. Some words of welcome.
Masha looked at the stage with an enthusiastic and slightly frightened look.

zulize 15.05.21 в 10:19

Masha's parents were standing on the other side, along with all the other parents. And Masha sometimes cast a glance in their direction, afraid that she would lose them. But curiosity was stronger than fear, and she turned her eyes back to the stage and listened to what the headmaster was saying.
After the greeting words, she saw a strange couple appear on the stage. A white-haired, tall, thin man in a formal suit, which is usually worn by such adult respectable people, for example, my father's boss at work, and with him was a boy about eleven or twelve years old in a pioneer tie.

zulize 15.05.21 в 10:42