Его не звали, но он приперся / They never called, yet he is here: Пролог

“Hey there! Above! I am the first hero in who-know-how-many-years who can potentially kick the living shit out of the locals! Am I not supposed to have some extra boost to do that?”

Mortis_X 20.11.21 в 11:09

I heard the low-ringing ‘dink’, like the one in modern elevators when they arrive to a destination, and in front of my eyes a text appeared. It was green.

Mortis_X 20.11.21 в 11:08

Due to special conditions, you have been granted with three mythical classes and mythical artifact. Have a nice game!

Camrad_RIP 10.08.20 в 06:13

That encouraged me quite a bit, right before I glanced around, and realized that I am in the massive hall with a fuckton of cards, and no real way of finding out what I may need. No, really, how the fuck would I do that, there are thousands of those things here, and I had no idea what to look for!

Mortis_X 20.11.21 в 11:08

“Can you at list give me a tip on what type of classes are most useful for my survivability? You know, so I wouldn’t pick some useless shit? They’ll kill me, you know?!”

Mortis_X 20.11.21 в 11:08

Surprisingly I did get an answer, and a nice one at that. Before my eyes I got the familiar text. You know, the green one.

Mortis_X 20.11.21 в 11:07

Mythic class obtained: Overlord of Shadow.

Camrad_RIP 09.08.20 в 20:19

Mythic class obtained: Overlord of Dreams and Reflections.

Camrad_RIP 09.08.20 в 20:19

Mythic class obtained: Mystical Alchemist.

Camrad_RIP 09.08.20 в 20:20

Please select an artifact.

Camrad_RIP 09.08.20 в 20:20

Even all of my lackluster (relatively) experience in gaming and rich (just as relatively) experience in reading ranobe was enough to understand, that I got one class for stealth, one for the fighting and one for the craft. When you think about it, it is pretty much perfect for someone who has to be a powerful, unnoticeable self-sustaining loner.

Mortis_X 20.11.21 в 11:06

Well, I wouldn’t say no to a powerful healing and a summoning class, just to completely cover all the possible needs I may have.

Mortis_X 20.11.21 в 11:06

“Can you also make me a Chosen One? And teleport me far away from any settlements? Also, some gold for the road would be nice.” Shouted a future justice bringer and world savior, staring in the absent ceiling.
I mean me, by the way.

Mortis_X 20.11.21 в 11:06

There was no answer, but something passed me with a whistling sound, and I swear to god it broke the sound barrier on the way down. A second later a thunderous crush almost made me shit myself despite the complete calmness I was feeling in this place. When I slowly turned my head to the source of the noise, I discovered a giant modesty generator on the floor next to me. It was a giant machine that seemed like an industrial torture-device.
How did I know it was a ‘modesty generator’? Because on its side there was written;
«A modesty generator»

Mortis_X 20.11.21 в 11:05

Well, I always did appreciate a good joke…

Mortis_X 20.11.21 в 11:04

But did I ever tell you that I have a huge problem with keeping my mouth shut? No? Well, I do now. I was told that by my mother, father, by my first and second bosses (the third one just fired me instantly), by the fourth and the final boss I was working under before this whole mess, even all of my girlfriends and that old lady from next flat, Evdokia Kerosinovna mentioned that at least once. Needless to say, they would have probably face-palmed in sync if they’d heard what I said next:

Mortis_X 20.11.21 в 11:04

“Are you fucked up in the head up there?”

Mortis_X 20.11.21 в 11:04

There was no answer, instead, text appeared in front of me, and it was green once again. This text, written with the same font, informed me about a rather interesting development.

Mortis_X 20.11.21 в 11:04

To acquire the titles of the Chosen One, kill Bobik.

Mortis_X 20.11.21 в 11:03

I was already thinking about how I would be killing some poor puppy, when suddenly, I heard a growl full of anticipation behind me. Doing no sudden movements, I turned around.

Mortis_X 20.11.21 в 11:03

I regretted it almost instantly.

Mortis_X 20.11.21 в 11:02

Imagine a giant dog that looks as if it was made of pure molten metal. Now, imagine it having a head with such a savage and enraged expression, that the number of bricks you would shit seeing it, will be enough to build a second Moscow. Picture formed? Good. Now take this image but multiply it ten times in intensity, and add to that a size of a train wagon.

Mortis_X 20.11.21 в 11:02

Oh yeah!

Mortis_X 20.11.21 в 11:02

Above that abominations head, there was this shining, green (that’s important) text, that proudly proclaimed to all reading that it is, in fact, the one and only Bobik.

Mortis_X 20.11.21 в 11:01

I shrieked like professional opera singer who’s balls got stuck between am industrial press and a hard place, and started running away in a direction opposite to Bobik, leaving only tears and shitstains in my wake. Well, to be more precise I tried to run, and in my defense, it is quite challenging to outrun a speeding train.

Mortis_X 20.11.21 в 11:01

The paw-hit I received in the back was enough for any normal person to puke their guts out, but as if by some miracle, all the hits and bites from this cute little puppy left no damage on me. But damage is one thing, it still didn’t stop me from feeling every moment of it.

Mortis_X 20.11.21 в 11:00

I was holding up, never retreating nor surrendering in this heroic fight, for about twenty minutes during which it felt like I was mowed, chewed and shitted out well over two hundred times. I may have kept it up a bit longer, if it wasn’t for a short break, during which I managed to make out a new text massage.

Yes, it was fucking green, how did you guess?!

Mortis_X 20.11.21 в 11:00

Please select an artifact.

Camrad_RIP 09.08.20 в 20:21

I would have shared my highly valued opinion about said massage with the world, but Bobik, once again, flicked his head and sent me flying in a long, and - hopefully - graceful arc across the hall.

Mortis_X 20.11.21 в 10:59

It was more an act of desperation then hope, but I did outstretch my hand and attempted to grab one of the cards levitating in the air to stop the momentum. Obviously, I wasn’t able to, but when trying to bring my hand back, I did grab something. Suddenly I noticed that I wasn’t just flying straight, I was also flying into a blue tear in space, that couldn’t have possibly been anything but the portal.

Mortis_X 20.11.21 в 10:58

Just before falling into It, despite myself, I was shouting:

Mortis_X 20.11.21 в 10:57

“Motherfuuuuuuuu”

Mortis_X 20.11.21 в 10:57

I calmly exited the portal in this wonderful new world, that I knew I had to dominate and conquer. My stride was calm and graceful, my head held high in confidence, and my posture was radiating so much pure awesomeness as if I was an incarnation of all primarchs from 40k combined.

Mortis_X 20.11.21 в 10:57

Ok, I'll be honest.

Camrad_RIP 10.08.20 в 06:15

I fell out of the portal head first and with surprising speed. The only reason why I didn’t break any bones immediately, was a miracle in a form of a last-year pile of fallen leaves. It still made me curse a lot when I was trying to dig myself out from this compost pit without accidently getting any of it in my mouth.

Mortis_X 20.11.21 в 10:51

I dug myself out.

Mortis_X 20.11.21 в 10:51

Just to face three weird, short, ugly creatures who were armed with spears. The spearheads of which appeared to be made of bones. This pleasant aesthetic in their weapons of choice was complimented by their looks. Angular, unhealthy malnourished bodies barely hidden by the rags they were wearing were a nice, fashionable touch. All in all, they looked so bad, that Auschwitz and Dachau prisoners would have probably looked almost presentable next to them.

Mortis_X 20.11.21 в 10:51

In essence, those were typical goblins. Even the text above each of their head proudly proclaimed: goblin. I even saw their levels, two had level two, and one level three. You could say those were ideal first frags.

Mortis_X 20.11.21 в 10:51

Those ideal first frags shared a glance between each other, then turned to the future ruler of this universe, measuring him with a menacing stare. One even licked his lips and the others were visibly salivating.

Mortis_X 20.11.21 в 10:50

We stared at each other for a second, and then I decided to go ahead, and become the (possibly) first Earthling to ever talk with another sentient (debatable) life-form:

Mortis_X 20.11.21 в 10:50

“Hey there hajis. How do you do?” I was the tolerance incarnated, multiplied on itself ten times over.

Mortis_X 20.11.21 в 10:49

So, I did tell you I had a problem with speaking before thinking, right?

Mortis_X 20.11.21 в 10:49

Let me just say it again.

Mortis_X 20.11.21 в 10:49

I was sprinting across the forest in silence, while thanking the gods and my boss for allowing me to come to work in snickers. If I was in normal shoes, I’d probably break my legs by now. My silence wasn’t just a mark of my remarkable stress-resistance, but also an attempt to save some breath.
Though I do have to point out, after Bobik this didn’t even scare me anymore.

Mortis_X 20.11.21 в 10:49

My survival until now was mostly determined by the fact, that I was quite a tall guy, -almost 6.2 height- and the ugly bastards chasing me were too short footed to keep my pace, even if they probably had higher vitality. This vitality of theirs seemed to be reaching its limit too, seeing they were getting slower. That would have made me feel more hopeful, if it wasn’t for the fact that my stamina was decreasing too, and if those bastards weren’t constantly howling and shouting, probably in an attempt to call their friends.

Mortis_X 20.11.21 в 10:48

So, the only thing I could do, was to keep on running while hoping that I wouldn’t die in the process. A few times when I felt that yeah, that’s it, I’m done, I miraculously opened a second breath, to once again get some distance from those cheering fuckers.

Mortis_X 20.11.21 в 10:48

Instead of a cliché cliff I run into a very normal river, in which I dove with almost no hesitation or afterthought. First of all, I was a pretty alright swimmer – a testament to my childhood in rural village. Second of all, something was telling be that goblins probably liked water only as a part of whatever broth they planed on making out of me. So, I thought I had more chances in water then on land.

Mortis_X 20.11.21 в 10:48

Angry, and honest to god indigent shouts of my chasers only affirmed that decisions, and made me mentally pat myself on the back. Mentally because I was a bit busy trying to get to the tree trunk that was drifting down the river. Maybe some kind of issekai-loving deities send me this as a sign.

Mortis_X 20.11.21 в 10:47

It wasn't until I got a foothold on this message from heaven that I turned around to look at the shore and the crowd of goblins gathering there. My expectations were justified, for they really didn't go near the water. They were probably afraid it would wash away some of the grim, dirt and shit that covered them like a second skin.

Mortis_X 20.11.21 в 10:47

I couldn't help but make an obscene gesture to the creatures watching me intently. Oh, how mad they got! How they squealed! Like the bitches on a vegan forum, where I once uploaded a picture of my steak. Some even stepped into the water in the vain hope of catching up with me (I already got an idea of how fast the current was, so I feared neither pursuers nor arrows). I was about to gesture to them in hopes of, despite the language barrier, conveying what I’ve seen their goblin mothers do last night, when three of them, who had swum the farthest, were devoured by a huge mouth, that looked like it belonged to an ungodly crossbreed between a crocodile and a shark.

Mortis_X 20.11.21 в 10:47