Его не звали, но он приперся / They never called, yet he is here: Глава 1

Chapter 1

Camrad_RIP 24.01.22 в 20:43

"Understand, Tin, it's a necessity! That's what all self-respecting individuals do!" It seemed as if Losij was talking to a capricious child, and not to the mighty and magnificent Hero. "Come on, you have to make this sacrifice, don't start this comedy again."

Camrad_RIP 24.01.22 в 20:54

I just stared silently into the eyes of the infernal beast, which, in turn, stared at me. I could read in its gaze the promise of eating my insides and dancing a ritual dance on the graves of all my relatives. The creature stared nonchalantly, squinting contemptuously at the only eye turned in my direction, and even the all-powerful admins did not know what nightmarish plans resided in its ugly skull. What torments was it planning to inflict on me, what nightmares was it planning to enact? I have no idea, but I know firmly that I will hold the defense until the end. Heroes do not surrender, and a true Hero must hold firm even such an insidious and treacherous blow.

Camrad_RIP 24.01.22 в 20:55

"Oh, for fuck's sake, Tin! It's just a horse! Get on it and don't act like a demon-knows-what!" Hans, as always, interrupts my inner monologue with a completely vulgar address. "Stop fucking pretending! With your dexterity, you can not only ride, but you can run on water! We're already delaying the departure!"

Camrad_RIP 24.01.22 в 20:56

The silent reproach in Losij's eyes and Taria's monstrous attempts to restrain the laughter that bursts forth only make me angry. Well, I can't ride horses, or donkeys, or camels! I have never even tried! I only rode an elephant once, when I was drunk, but I had an instructor to help me. Besides, I don't see any elephants here, but I see some bloody horses.

Camrad_RIP 24.01.22 в 21:00

"Why don't we just buy a wagon?" I timidly ask my team. "Or even a stagecoach?"

Camrad_RIP 24.01.22 в 21:01

This time, all three of them were staring fearfully at me at the same time. In fact, inwardly I had already reconciled myself to the need to sacrifice my butt to those infernal creatures... Silence, hussars! In another sense, sacrifice!

Camrad_RIP 24.01.22 в 21:02

"All right, all right. Bring this nightmare of the underworld to me, I'm going to make a sausage out of it, the bastard." I'm forced to surrender to the mercy of the victors, causing my companions to smile happily. "Although I still think you could let me run after you in peace, my speed allows."

Camrad_RIP 25.01.22 в 12:39

In response to my grumbling, Losij only put his hand to his face and, with a kind of desperation in his voice, uttered a phrase filled with sincere pain for my intellect:

Camrad_RIP 25.01.22 в 12:46

"Tin, just understand that this skill is a basic one for all wealthy travelers of any kind. Yes, you can run after us, I don't argue with that for a moment, I swear to Heaven. But you yourself have talked so much about disguise and pretense! You'll have to ride a horse under the gaze of the guards one day, just to get into town, and you don't even have the skill! Agree, it's easier to practice it now than to regret lost opportunities later."

Camrad_RIP 25.01.22 в 12:49

No, there is some logic in what he said, and I agree. Our mini-caravan of eight horses (four saddles, adapted to long crossings, and four pack horses) was comfortable. The bulky laboratory had to be stored in one of Ostmark's warehouses, but I still had the alchemist's most easily portable tools. And the speed on horseback is quite decent and, importantly, the same for everyone, not just for high-level me.

Camrad_RIP 25.01.22 в 13:02

Tarija, too, by the way, had not been able to ride a horse before, but she had learned rather quickly, which was obviously an obscene amount of pride. I, on the other hand, like a real Hero, stood out here as well, failing to acquire what seemed to be a fairly easy skill to master, despite all my attempts. I got the feeling that the horses quietly hated me. I could understand if they were afraid of me because of my shadow class, but not a shred of fear. Just tons of contempt and arrogant snark! Some kind of fucking anti-talent, really.

Camrad_RIP 25.01.22 в 13:04

I will not describe the process of acquiring a new skill, so as not to torture myself or people. I will only say that high dexterity allowed me to avoid the most embarrassing falls and other shit, but no dexterity prevented the damn animal from turning the trip into a continuous war of survival. The horse only calmed down after almost two hours, and that was due to fatigue, not because it recognized me as its master. Even though my riding skills showed in my status, there was a promise of vengeance and torment in the horse's eyes.

Camrad_RIP 25.01.22 в 13:05

I hate horses.

Camrad_RIP 25.01.22 в 13:06

Almost like goblins.

Camrad_RIP 25.01.22 в 13:06

We didn't leave Ostmark immediately. The first thing we did was a drink for almost a week - I even managed to get drunk out of my mind by diving headfirst into a barrel of dwarf water I'd bought for this purpose. The three merchants who argued with me about it were shocked, but they had to pay for the barrel and give a tenth of gold to the winner, for I was still on my feet.

Camrad_RIP 25.01.22 в 13:09

I had to protect my eyes with a shadow, otherwise, they would have been damaged by such a high-degree drink, but I didn't cheat at all. The barrel, of course, was physically impossible to drink, but I managed about four liters in one gulp. In the previous world, I would have died, but in this one, I almost threw up. But in my drunken state, I was able to offset the discontent of the merchants, who felt cheated, by throwing a real feast for the whole inn. That was why they had been partying like idiots for a week. I wasted my winnings, but I had a good party and swore not to get drunk.

Camrad_RIP 25.01.22 в 14:25

I used to be a mere wimp, at most capable of causing drunken mayhem. My current drunken debauchery might well have ended in a breakthrough to The Shadow's plan. In fact, it almost ended when I decided to summon female Shadows from there, and then test my ring on them. It was lucky that I decided to use my steps to get to the back of the tavern as quickly as possible. Being on another plane sobered me up instantly and qualitatively. So I was back in the hall without the shadowy chicks, sober, a little scared, and a bit angry.

Camrad_RIP 25.01.22 в 14:27

I didn't dive into the barrels again, though I was asked to do it again for an encore. Fortunately, no one was surprised by the celebration itself, because our three of us looked like an ordinary team of adventurers. Even I, albeit with reservations - the clothes didn't fit. Tarika, as the lowest-level one, was sitting quietly in the corner, sipping light wine, hatching insidious plans to seduce me (clairvoyance told me to). To her great regret, she missed the only moment when I was really drunk, and I did not give her any more such chances.

Camrad_RIP 25.01.22 в 14:31

But she took me dancing, to the sound of some infernal instrument (that's the real sickness!) that resembled a bagpipe and a saxophone at the same time. The bard played his trills, and we danced almost until we collapsed. That is, I just danced, and Tarija did until she collapsed. I had to drag her back to the same place in my arms, to the resounding hooting of the crowd. I'll bet you a hundred gold pieces that she could still walk, but she decided to trick me into "holding" her. The sly little beast.

Camrad_RIP 25.01.22 в 14:33

The beauty of a woman who had become really beautiful drew a lot of attention, and some overzealous craftsmen wanted to fist my face. While they were getting their kicks from me and Hans, who sensed the fun, the far more frisky guys from the guards were coming at Tarija. I was honestly going to help the maiden unobtrusively dragged away to the nearest closet, but I caught her smiling look and a mischievous wink and then got a flash of clairvoyance.

Camrad_RIP 25.01.22 в 14:34

Male solidarity seemed to demand that I stop my subordinate from committing vigilante acts, but my inner troll took solidarity by the throat and demanded that I calm down under the threat of a firing squad. I didn't feel much pity for these unfortunate (in this particular case, unfortunate) rapists, either, to prevent Tarija from venting her anger on the social group she disliked most. She didn't even hate the nobles as much as she hated the guards who were overly fond of taking advantage of their position. So I gave her the thumbs up and let them drag her into the back room. I thought I even turned a little green.

Camrad_RIP 25.01.22 в 14:37

A few minutes later, all four guards quietly walked out of that closet through the back door (located there specifically for such situations), and the bandit went back into the common room, fixing her dress in place. The rapists themselves went to their department of guards to strengthen the men's friendship to the level of a Brokeback Mountain. I wished them all good luck in clearing their chimneys, and I put the situation out of my mind and ordered myself to forget it like a nightmare and never to think of it again.

Camrad_RIP 25.01.22 в 14:39

I also decided not to piss off Tarija, who was smiling a truly sinister smile at that moment. Almost no one was on their feet until morning, except for the moderately tipsy Losij and me. Hans, like Tarija, had had too much to drink, so we had to carry them to their rooms.

Camrad_RIP 25.01.22 в 14:41

And then, having put the girl to the bed and even prepared some hangover and intoxication potions just in case, I remembered about such a thing as conspiracy and began to hand out imaginary slaps and smacks to myself. Holy shit, Kostik, you did not attract attention! You're right, you're laying low, and you're keeping your head down.

Camrad_RIP 25.01.22 в 19:48

I had to go to bed, go to the Dreams, and then start correcting my messes. To my unbelievable relief, no one noticed any particular weirdness about us. Well, almost no one. And for those who did notice something, I tweaked their memories a bit, blurring them into a "remember nothing but drunken lunacy" state. It was especially hard on those merchants, for whom no amount of booze could take away the surprise of seeing me drop my head into a barrel of almost pure alcohol.

Camrad_RIP 25.01.22 в 14:43

Later on, the party continued in much more humble surroundings and company. We drank, ate, shared stories ( Tarija led me to retell the plot of a couple of crime thrillers, adjusted for fantasy realities), and just relaxed from the constant stream of f*cking crap that had been piled on our company lately.

Camrad_RIP 25.01.22 в 19:49

Tarija, by the way, tried desperately to drag me into the bathhouse together, and I didn't mind, but I remembered her hypno-boobs in time and decided not to take the risk. I could, of course, sit with my Gaze on all the time, but why would I need such a bathhouse, honestly?

Camrad_RIP 25.01.22 в 19:50

We went to the brothel, though without much enthusiasm on my part. I was dragged there, almost by force, under the hurt and jealous gaze of Tarija. She must have promised herself every possible punishment for Hans, who had initiated our trip. And then the lass joined us for company, and at my indignant glance, she just turned up her nose and smugly assured everyone present that she was also all right with the ladies.

Camrad_RIP 25.01.22 в 19:53

I even remembered something like that when I was poking around in her memory, but it seemed to me that she liked guys more. I was about to get indignant, but then I spit it out - if she wanted to go fuck whores to spite me, let her go and fuck them. I would not even say a word to her if she decided to get a boyfriend, but here, alas, even without clairvoyance, I was clearly convinced that I was the only person she was interested in. And she wasn't going to change her mind until I decided to set her up with someone else.

Camrad_RIP 25.01.22 в 19:54

I was about to indulge in debauchery when fate once again threw us into trouble. Actually, Losij and Hans had quietly entered the brothel (one of the best in Ostmark, but not the best, because I didn't want to bother with invitations), but Tarija and I had run into some future adventurers coming out of the brothel. I mean, literally - these degenerates were going to join the adventurers' guild of Kraj, heading in the direction we'd come from.

Camrad_RIP 25.01.22 в 19:55

To their deepest regret, no one told them that the Guild did not encourage their usual ways. No, there were places where all the "adventurers" were criminals, given the choice between a hemp tie and a job on the frontier for His Majesty. Except that in Kraj they would have been rolled up in paving stones very quickly by their colleagues.

Camrad_RIP 25.01.22 в 19:57

Unfortunately for us, these guys didn't make it to Kraj, were kicked out of a brothel that was too expensive for them, and were generally in a bad mood. So the suggestion that I give up my purse and the girl and run the fuck away (not literally) was met with no understanding by me. The bonded hired squad, at times not neglecting outright robbery, did not keep fools with them. In a different situation, they would not have staged a natural robbery right next to this building, on a busy and rich street.

Camrad_RIP 25.01.22 в 20:03

But the two bouncers were now inside the building, coming to their senses after chasing the company away. At the same time, they were recovering one of the maids (who also moonlighted in a more obvious role), who had nearly been killed with a good hook to the jaw for her too audacious refusal to serve customers. There were no bystanders on the street at that moment, and the mercenaries reasonably thought they would be able to intimidate me enough to leave in an unknown direction before the guards arrived.

Camrad_RIP 25.01.22 в 20:04

Again, they were deathly angry and suffering from blue balls, which did not add to their sanity. It could have ended relatively peacefully, even now, but the scariest of them all had the good sense to grab Tarija by the collar, and then by the throat.

Camrad_RIP 25.01.22 в 20:05

A normal townswoman would have panicked, but yesterday's bandit reacted reflexively the way she was used to on the streets of Kraj - with a poke of the dagger hidden in her sleeve straight into her carelessly left open neck. A ninth level, well-developed skills, even though there was no class, and good chainmail would have saved the woodpecker. But he was drunk, angry, and inadequate, so he gave my companion a level, splashing blood all over his companions.

Camrad_RIP 25.01.22 в 20:07

They were still recovering for a second, but their training had taken its toll, and then they grabbed for their weapons. The loudest one even started an accusatory speech against us, shouting in foul language:

Camrad_RIP 25.01.22 в 20:08

"Fucking..."

Camrad_RIP 25.01.22 в 20:08

Crunch.

Camrad_RIP 25.01.22 в 14:44

Crunch.

Camrad_RIP 25.01.22 в 14:44

Crunch.

Camrad_RIP 25.01.22 в 14:44

Six sets of cervical vertebrae were broken, thanks to the silhouettes of the mercenaries themselves quickly rising from the shadows, I got a drop of experience, and all the remaining bastards fell to the ground in company with the still twitching owner of the second smile. The whole situation didn't take a second, and we were left standing in front of the seven cooling bodies. At this point of time, realizing that we had at most a couple of minutes before the next passersby appeared or the brothel guards returned, all I could do was utter:

Camrad_RIP 25.01.22 в 14:45

"Tarija, what the (bleep) hell!"

Camrad_RIP 25.01.22 в 20:16

"I went to a fucking whorehouse! I got laid! Damn it, I was fucking fucked before I even went into that whorehouse!" With the amount of venom that was in my voice right now, I could have committed a small genocide against the inhabitants of the world's oceans.

Camrad_RIP 25.01.22 в 20:18

Instead of tumbling a pretty brunette (or blonde, it doesn't really matter) on my own dick, I have to drag and hide the corpses. Actually, having the ability to lift those corpses with shadows isn't that hard, but it's bothersome. Extremely fucking bothersome, especially if a few minutes ago you were not going to hide the corpses, but to fuck chicks!

Camrad_RIP 25.01.22 в 20:20

And I had to remember to lick the blood dripping from the slit throat of the slain Tarija with my shadow tentacles.

Camrad_RIP 25.01.22 в 14:48

"You couldn't hit him in the eye so he wouldn't bleed like a fucking pig on a butcher's farm?" For pedagogical purposes, I left one body for the woman, even if it wasn't the one she killed (that boar the bandit wouldn't budge). I had to mop up the bloody path leading to the nearest alley and drag the others myself.

Camrad_RIP 25.01.22 в 14:47

"Well, I'm sorry, I panicked, and my reflex kicked in." She said angrily, hiding her insecurity, her resentment, and her fear of my disappointment behind her irritation. Still, the ring works well, I wish I could meet its creator and ask him some questions on the subject. Only it would be desirable to do it on a higher level.

Camrad_RIP 25.01.22 в 20:30

"I'm not mad, to be honest, it's just that the situation itself is idiotic to the extreme." When I dragged the last body into a dead-end of the main street, I admired the barely discernible traces of blood on the paving stones, as well as the fragments of someone's teeth. Apparently, we weren't the first ones to look at this place for not-so-legitimate purposes. "Seriously, what the fuck are the odds of having an adventure just by going to a fucking brothel, huh? It's like there's some dick up there somewhere, flipping a coin over and over again. If the crest falls out, there's trouble; if the portrait falls out, there's more trouble; if it's on the edge, you can relax for now, until the next flip."
T.N.

Camrad_RIP 25.01.22 в 20:31

So venting my soul to the listener, I began to search the bodies of these mutts, for anger is anger, and trophies must always be taken. After a miserable second, Tarija joined me, with much more skill than I had, though she didn't have the characteristics and perks that made it possible to find the valuables stashed on a body in the blink of an eye.

Camrad_RIP 25.01.22 в 14:51