Господин Барон / The Baron: Глава 17

Chapter 17

Camrad_RIP 28.01.23 в 21:37

"And do you, Mr. Baron, enjoy the right of the first night?"

Camrad_RIP 30.01.23 в 21:06

I sighed heavily, cut off a piece of meat, and began to chew intently.

Camrad_RIP 30.01.23 в 21:06

The first time this question was asked, it was funny. The second, third, and fifth times, I still joked it off. On the tenth, I was already angry. Now, having lost count, I just chew in silence, without distraction. I don't know anything. We don't have any such rights!

Camrad_RIP 30.01.23 в 21:07

Especially as lunch is tasty and this woman is getting on my nerves.

Camrad_RIP 30.01.23 в 21:08

Tourists... Tourists for breakfast, tourists for dinner, they're giving me heartburn! Every other one wants to show how well-mannered and sophisticated she is. Every first tries to attract attention. Husbands sniff jealously, but that's okay. There are some who, God forbid, intend to be proud of their spouse's "victory" or even to take a picture of the process...

Camrad_RIP 30.01.23 в 21:09

"Try this pâté, the pride of my chef. But beware: the château chef, Madame van Storre... oh, come on!" The tourist, who shoved a whole spoonful of the said delicacy into her mouth, puffed up her cheeks and changed color like a startled octopus in waves. "She loves anything spicy. It's all right. You just have to get used to it. I have a young man in training from Japan, and they developed this recipe together."
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Camrad_RIP 30.01.23 в 21:11

The tourists, immediately interested, began to fight over the dish while the lady, still with a spoon sticking out of her mouth, reached for two bottles at the same time. Well, maybe she will get drunk and stop harassing me. She's been hinting at me all morning with the grace of a rhinoceros. I've answered her this way and that. She pretends she doesn't understand. With the harsh Nordic straightforwardness, no objections from the victim are accepted.

Camrad_RIP 30.01.23 в 21:13

The tourists, one by one, goggling their eyes, were silent, but even seeing what was happening to their fellow travelers, they could not refuse the temptation to try it. The table was gradually silent, interrupted only by a pained sniffle. Well, it had worked again. Hadn't anyone caught it before? On average, I use this trick once a day. Every day excursionists leave feedback on the website, but no one says a word about what happened to them at lunch!

Camrad_RIP 30.01.23 в 21:14

I lowered my eyes and continued to tear the schnitzel

Camrad_RIP 30.01.23 в 21:15

It is now clear why the Baron's life is about feasts, hunts, and wars.

Camrad_RIP 30.01.23 в 21:16

Because it's boring!

Camrad_RIP 30.01.23 в 21:16

The idea with squires had suddenly taken on a life of its own, and now it required little or no effort on my part. The boys were taken apart in the morning, some to the police, some to help Egilbert, some wherever a symbolic presence of the Baron's representative was needed. After the weekend the sieges resumed. Yesterday the "army" was commanded by Smartass, today by Dan, and tomorrow Marty would climb the wall. He had to warn the attackers... even though they know. The girl, despite her explosive temper, is headstrong, but sometimes in the wrong direction, so she's almost more feared than me.

Camrad_RIP 30.01.23 в 21:18

I stayed out of town, knowing that the less you see of the authorities, the more you respect them. The people must be assured that the ruler is thinking tirelessly about the people's welfare. So it is not a good idea to look contentedly idle around.

Camrad_RIP 30.01.23 в 21:21

The Guilder baker took the examination of his colleague, solemnly presenting him with his 'master's certificate'. However, the scandalous baker proved himself to be a tough pro. He had managed to make a kind of grits into a sort of delicacy. They also made me an honorary member of the Guild of Bakers, as "I restoring to the Esks the lost secret of 'boiled bread'. What can I say? They licked the bosses.

Camrad_RIP 31.01.23 в 05:44

There's not much left to do in the castle. With six excursions a day, and three meals with tourists, I live like a bear in a cage. It seems to be fed and has no problems, but it seems to be missing something. I'm tyrannizing servants and squires. I have thought up a punishment for the guilty ones, a run around the castle with a log on one shoulder, and even chose a couple of crooked logs for demonstration. The next day I checked and saw that one log was hollowed out, and the other was made of painted Styrofoam. I scolded them and said that they would run as knights from stories with their horses on their shoulders, and the next day in each stall, instead of normal horses, were ponies. The ponies were dyed in different colors, the kind I'd seen when I watched cartoons with my girls. I asked where the animals had gone, and they were quiet, sniffing and giggling.

Camrad_RIP 31.01.23 в 05:48

The tourists were envious when they saw it. There was a children's excursion, and the squeal of excitement made my ears prickle, so we should make up a family program, "The Middle Ages for the little ones". Then Anka called and started begging for a present. She heard about the pony and wanted one too. I had to get her some fancy rags. Although I think it was a trick in the best woman's traditions. I had promised them a present, so I'd have to go out.

Camrad_RIP 31.01.23 в 05:51

By the way, on the international front, I have a reputation for being the toughest extremist and the tyrant. I checked Attendant's files. It says there are a hundred and ten prisoners in the Barony for every hundred thousand people. Since the separation from the Federation average rate has increased by twenty percent a month. And who cares if there are only eleven thousand in the city and surrounding areas, as long as the statistics are pretty, so we can round numbers up a bit!

Camrad_RIP 31.01.23 в 05:54

And it is stated that a third of that hundred were imprisoned without trial, and every second "is used for forced labor". No, it all adds up - there were five in the city precinct at the time, three more in the castle, plus "patriot", plus "pirate", and half are working. Besides, in fact, before the referendum, there were eight people in prison. Now there are ten - it turns out crime has increased under my anti-people regime. In the same report, there is a point that for every ten thousand people one gallows and one executioner are built. And you can't argue with that. It's standing in the backyard! It's a matter of presentation. And so a disturbing note is said "the population of the barony is frightened and therefore supports the extremist antics of the self-appointed ruler". Of course they do, thanks to me the whole world is suddenly aware of this backwater! Even dying with the audience is cool.

Camrad_RIP 31.01.23 в 05:59

By the way, if the subjects are happy, the baron is somehow relieved. For example, everyone respects me, but the weirdo who decided to reclaim that bloody right of the first night was ceremoniously banished. The boy had come to me to complain, for I am the oldest man here, which, apart from the illusory rights, gives a duty to guard the dignity of all others, if necessary, to take some action. I questioned him, shook my head, and offered to leave the castle. That fool ruled the people according to a computer game about knights! Well, he played it for three years. It all worked. There is experience it is necessary to apply! He got kicked out. Von Schnitze had already hinted in passing that it's no good when the land and the people are unattended. I am already a tyrant-torturer, and he will make me an invader-aggressor!

Camrad_RIP 31.01.23 в 06:21

"Mr. Baron?"

Camrad_RIP 31.01.23 в 06:21

I turned, and the chair beneath me creaked. Egilbert, as usual, not the least bit out of breath from his ascent to the top of the donjon, handed me the phone and nodded to the boy who was accompanying me, who immediately put another cup on the table beside me and filled it from a thermos. He was the one they all obeyed, unlike me.

Camrad_RIP 31.01.23 в 06:22

The Israeli ambassador to the federation is on the line. He wants to talk about Blumchild.

Camrad_RIP 31.01.23 в 06:23

"What, they got to him already?" I turned away, staring at the bright city rooftops below. "Tell him that, as the Christian ruler, I would only negotiate with him after the entire population of his country had been baptized. Including Palestinians. It would be better to convert to Orthodoxy, but they could also convert to Catholicism."

Camrad_RIP 31.01.23 в 06:25

"I'm sorry, Mr. Baron is busy at the moment. Try to call back later." The old man switched off his mobile phone, snapped his fingers, and the servant immediately pulled out a folding chair from behind the door. Once seated, von Schnitze looked me over and concluded profoundly:

Camrad_RIP 31.01.23 в 06:52

"You are in a bad mood, Alexander."

Camrad_RIP 31.01.23 в 06:53

"He can thank me for not demanding the restoration of the kingdom of Jerusalem."

Camrad_RIP 31.01.23 в 06:53

"You are bored."

Camrad_RIP 31.01.23 в 06:53

"Exactly."

Camrad_RIP 31.01.23 в 06:54

"But we have something going on all the time, don't we?"

Camrad_RIP 31.01.23 в 06:54

"All the time - is it once a year?"

Camrad_RIP 31.01.23 в 06:55

"What about the war with siege?"

Camrad_RIP 31.01.23 в 06:56

"A business moment."

Camrad_RIP 31.01.23 в 06:56

"What about the Viking invasion?"

Camrad_RIP 31.01.23 в 06:57

"How many of those Vikings were there... not all the townspeople had enough."

Camrad_RIP 31.01.23 в 06:57

"What about the commission visit?"

Camrad_RIP 31.01.23 в 06:58

"When was that? Three days ago, I'm starting to forget!"

Camrad_RIP 31.01.23 в 07:19

"Alexander, I shudder to think what your days are like back home if you are bored here, living the life you do."

Camrad_RIP 31.01.23 в 07:20

I opened my mouth, kept silent and closed it.

Camrad_RIP 31.01.23 в 07:20

No, really - what's wrong with me?

Camrad_RIP 31.01.23 в 07:21

While I was figuring it out, Egilbert took another cup from the servant and stared politely into the distance.

Camrad_RIP 31.01.23 в 07:22

So what is it? Why am I freaking out? Maybe it's because I somehow thought the old Sasha the joker might come back. That now I will wake up as someone, who I have long ceased to be, that I will again play and prank, that ... that the youthfulness will return? It's not coming back. I'm just really different now. No, seriously, I wouldn't have put up with all those inquisitively indifferent fun faces all day long before, but now I do. That obtrusive tourist of today - I would have thrown her out the window twenty years ago! Instead, I patiently endure obsessive attempts to attract attention with a very definite purpose. I hid out on the roof. The last years, stretched quietly in the hustle and bustle of a peaceful office, have quietly ended my change. Or was it growing up? Oh, nonsense, what maturing in the fifth decade? Just like dead scales, the last illusions have fallen away. That's why my uncovered soul is aching, so to speak. That's all right. The new ones will grow. I guess so. I'll become an armored dragon. Or a turtle.

Camrad_RIP 31.01.23 в 07:26

Von Schnitze condescendingly watched as I tried to understand myself.

Camrad_RIP 31.01.23 в 07:27

"You know, Alexander, I'm glad I live here in the castle. It allows me to admire such a beautiful city as Gravstein from up here every day."

Camrad_RIP 31.01.23 в 07:28

"As the greatest band of all time teaches us - there's no city like Bodun."

Camrad_RIP 31.01.23 в 07:29

"Is it in Romania?"

Camrad_RIP 31.01.23 в 07:29

"Almost. It's an idealized city that's always one step away from you. And no one knows when you take that step."

Camrad_RIP 31.01.23 в 07:29

"Very interesting, very... You should get to know this land better, Alexander. We have many interesting things here. For example, the traditional male staff dance. It's performed in the Blue Oyster Bar in the evenings."

Camrad_RIP 31.01.23 в 07:30

"Fun."

Camrad_RIP 31.01.23 в 07:30

"Why, Mr. Baron?"

Camrad_RIP 31.01.23 в 07:31